Humor Archive

Just got this in my inbox:

Dear Andrew,

My name is Justin and I'm a recruiter at Axelon Services Corporation, formerly known as Algomod Technologies Corporation. Our records show that you are a professional with attnetion(sic) to detail. This experience is relevant to one of my current openings.

It is located in Vallejo, CA.

Computer Technician
Vallejo, CA
3 Months

Pay rate is $10/hr

Candidate must have own vehicle

I love this for so many reasons. I don't how anyone looking at my resume would think for a second that I would be interested in a temporary job that paid 10 bucks an hour. Unemployment pays almost that. I could make that at the local Starbucks. I haven't had a job that paid that low since I worked for Ted Turner. But the best part is that this recruiter managed to spell "attention" wrong in a sentence about "attention to detail". How classic is that?

THE KNAVE:
It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather'd its qualities as the sweet lovers' spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests. It sat between the four sides of the room, making substance of a square, respecting each wall in equal harmony, in geometer's cap; a great reckoning in a little room. Verily, it transform'd the room from the space between four walls presented, to the harbour of a man's monarchy.

WALTER:
On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn
To keep tradition, form and ceremony.
The seventh and the last day rests the Jew;
I labour not, nor ride in chariot,
Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook,
And sure as Providence I do not roll.
Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands,
Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians?
If you schedule us, must you not do right?
If we step o'er the line, do we not mark it nought?
The Sabbath; I'll roll not, God-a-mercy.

QUINCE
Hail, masters! I crave thine able readiness
To be dealt with roughly, as the Sodomites.
For men of sport have noted that our play
In semifinal hour draws on apace.
By Jove! I'll wager well, Liam and me,
To thrash thee soundly at the fair tourney.

THE KNAVE
Yea, well, that be, forsooth, thy opinion, sir.

QUINCE
Well; but be forewarn'd. It reach'd mine ears
That combustible Walter, o'ercome with rage
Did shed good sense, and raise his sword in play.
I fear not such jade's tricks, an seeing ill,
Would snatch the burden from the jealous knight
And pierce his gizzard with the wrongful steel,
Points up, as said of Coriolanus.

THE KNAVE
Zounds!

QUINCE
Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu.

[Exeunt QUINCE and O'BRIEN]

WALTER
Nay, fear him not, nor his unworthy joys.
Recall the tragic tale of the pageboys.

In an increasingly common occurrence, area man Andrew Hecht was rushed to Berkeley Alta Bates hospital following a major cardiac arrest induced by his two cats, Makelani and Filemu.

The events unfolded around 10:33pm when Mr. Hecht opened his bedroom window before going to sleep because of the unusually warm evening. In a sleep deprived state, also caused by the cats, he opened the window just a bit too much, investigators said. They estimate sometime between 10:33 and 10:47, the cats slipped silently out the window.

Mr. Hecht was able to rescue both animals, return them safely inside and call 911 before losing consciousness. He was rushed to the hospital after EMT first responders discovered him passed out the floor of his living room.

"It was ugly", said EMT Jarvis Greenview, the first licensed medical person to arrive responding to the man down call. "I arrive on scene. I notice the 'man down' is still down. And the cats were just sitting on him. Surveying the situation and surroundings, it was clear as day: the cats did it."

In the past year alone, Greenview has been called to the scene of 43 cat-related coronary incidents.

Mr. Hecht was rushed for emergency treatment to Alta Bates where he revived after several hours in the operating room.

"Mr. Hecht is lucky to be alive", said James Gostowski, Head of Cardiology at Alta Bates. "Feline-induced Myocardial Infarction is one our top killers. It's one the most fatal forms of cardiac arrest."

Feline-induced Myocardial Infarction (FIMI) is an acute episode of heart disease marked by the death or damage of heart muscle due to insufficient blood supply to the heart muscle usually as a result of a coronary thrombosis or a coronary occlusion. It is characterized especially by chest pain, shortness of breath and proximity to one or more cats.

Aasif Gupta, a third year cardiology intern at Alta Bates, summed it up. "Sure, cats can be cute, and, while not fully researched, the healing powers of purring is undisputed in the medical community. But they are killers." Gupta added, "you'd be foolish to keep one or more at home."

Mr. Hecht will remain at Alta Bates for several days under close observation. When reached for comment, Makelani and Filemu just stared blankly.

Humorist David Sedaris muses in the New Yorker about the oddly inexplicable character, the undecided voter. Here's the main kernel:

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?"

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

Worth a few minutes of your time. Sedaris will be in town next week at the War Memorial Opera House and I'm going to see him. I've been listening to him for years on NPR and I've read several of his books, so I'm really excited.

This is one of the craziest stories I've heard in a long time:

A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.

"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond said.

Arrested was Antonio Vasquez Jr., 21, of Fresno.

Burrimond said deputies headed to the victims' home in the 300 block of South Thompson Avenue near Kings Canyon Road shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday regarding a burglary in progress.

The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen.

After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.

Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

"That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.

"I tell you, this was one weird case."

Clearly, the dog is a student of the Monty Python defense against criminals armed with foodstuffs:

Sergeant: Where's all the others, then?

All: They're not here.

Sergeant: I can see that! What's the matter with them?

2nd man (MP): Dunno.

1st Man (GC): Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sergeant: 'Flu!? They should eat more fresh fruit! (rolls neck strangely.) Right! Now, self-defense! Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week, when I was showing you 'ow to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit! (rolls neck again)

(Grumbles from all)

2nd Man: You promised we wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sergeant: What do you mean?

3rd Man (TJ): Well, we've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.

Sergeant: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

2nd Man: Can't we try something else?

4th Man (EI): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We wanna learn 'ow to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all 'igh and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well let me tell you something my lad! When you're walking home tonight and some great 'omicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of Logan berries, don't come crying to me! Right, and now, the passion fruit! (He does a leaping about-turn.) When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, ah thus...

All: We done the passion fruit.

Sergeant: What?

1st Man: We've done the passion fruit.

2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

3rd Man: Whole and segments.

2nd Man: Greengages, pomegranates...

1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit...

2nd Man: Lemons...

3rd Man: Plums...

1st Man: And mangoes in syrup...

Sergeant: How 'bout cherries?

All: We done them.

Sergeant: Red *and* black?

All: Yes!

Sergeant: All right then. (pause) Bananas. We haven't done bananas, have we?

All: (Dejectedly) No.

Sergeant: Right! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Catch! (He throws a banana to 1st man.) Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless!

2nd Man: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sergeant: Shut up!

A source of unending clarity in this mad and mixed up world.

This is from an ad for a Mexican newspaper. More uses of the image of Bush from around the world here.

Love this. Since we know, sadly, that this election will not be decided on anything resembling issues, but instead on personality and themedia "Freak Show", McCain will have to be marginalized as too old and out of touch to be president. Unlike the smears propogated against Democratic candidates over the last 2 decades, these traits happen to true. Just ask Bill Maher.

Bitterness of Life is pretty good too, but not really in the same league as Some eCards.

I came across this site, The Superest recently and I think it's amazing so I feel compelled to share. Basically it's a continually running game of My Team, Your Team. Here are the rules: Player 1 draws a character with a power. Player 2 then draws a character whose power cancels the power of that previous character. Repeat.

The best way to enjoy this is to start at thefirst hero and just click through the Defeated by link. Not all the heros are great. Some are total dogs, but many are incredible and you can really see the evolution both in terms of creativity and quality (both the hero drawings and the hand drawn fonts). It'll make for a nice diversion from whatever is you're doing (and, obviously, you're just killing time, since you're reading this blog.)

This one slays me, especially the dude with the rake:

Got to love the post-modern cardboard reconstruction. It's a genre I'm well familiar with.

Life must be tough at the World's New Leader^TM because CNN is selling shirts. Why anyone would want to buy this, is beyond me, but you can fuck with the URL and ''make'' your own shirts:

..at Zombo.com. It's like virtual soma. It's makes it all good.

I probably should be blogging, but I can't stop laughing about this and this

Daily Show reruns are dancing in my head! Thanks for the link, Bri.

One ......... cut a hole in the box
Two ......... put your junk in that booxxxx!!!
Three ....... make her open that box
And that's the way you do it
IT"S MY DICK IN BOX!!!!

I know this video of the SNL Short has been going around the Internet like a prairie fire, but I hadn't seen it until last night when i watched SNL on my DVR. SNL has been complete crap lately. Very few funny skits. No recurring skits. Lame openings. So this bit is huge a surprise. It's just stupid funny. I nearly shit myself laughing when the short came on. It's mock video as a paean to some of those horrible R&B love songs filled with the dirtiest lyrics, (think R Kelly or Color Me Bad and you have some idea of what I'm talking about it).

So if you need a holiday pick me up, watch the video.

Now, where did I put that box? Ah, yes....

The full lyrics are under the fold

One of the funniest things I've ever seen is the "Lazy Sunday" Chronicles of Narnia rap from SNL. Even better is the West Coast repsonse "Lazy Monday" Color Me Mine rap. Hillarious. Hillarious. Hillarious. Probably most people have seen these already. I've known about them for a while, but only getiting around to blogging about them now.

Just as an aside, there's a part in the Color Me Mine vid where the rappers go to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. That store is in Brentwood on San Vicente and Barrington. Prior to being a Coffee Bean, it was Sushi Boy. Before that it was All-American Burger. As in, "You used to work at All-American Burger".

I used to work at All-American Burger. 20 years ago. Damn, that's a long time. Ironically, it was hardly an "All-American" place. At the time, the owner, Amal was from Iran and the chef, Jose, who was American by birth, was born in Rose, Texas, right on the border and didn't speak more than a handful of English words. That left me as the All-American front man.

The food was awesome, still is in the remaining locations. Hickory burgers and Orange Whips. Yum!

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, either a) you are heavily sedated, b) you have no sense of humor or c) you are Chuck Norris. Don't forget to leaf through page 2.

This pretty much sums up what I feel about pharma advertising.

SIDE EFFECTS

Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especially when compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight. However, like all drugs, PANEXA can produce some notable side effects, all of which are probably really, really terrific and nothing that anyone should be concerned about, let alone notify any medical regulatory commission about. Most side effects of PANEXA, or their sufferers, are usually short-lived, and are rarely so fatal that the remains can no longer be identified, provided good dental records are available. Some known side effects are:

Respiratory system: Shortness of breath, longness of breath, kinetic balloon-like lung expansion, really geeky laughs

Digestive system: explosive diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter, withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy butt; shiny, valuable feces composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire

Eyes/senses: everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll to you, night vision, taste hallucinations (where everything tastes 'gamey' or 'oakey'), inability to distinguish the colors 'taupe' and 'putty'; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny G or some crap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time

Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXAcan cause a real live skeleton to be walking around inside you, buttock muscles to mirror the actions of the jaw muscles, magnetization of the ribcage, and musical spine disorder (MSD) Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall off. Or just get really thick and spongy (muppet-like)

Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability; rising of the lights, the vapors, the willies; susceptibility to wedgies, no rhythm, dresses for shit, and can't hold a job to save your life; blue sweats; symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder; and the compulsion to address everyone nearby as "Cap'n."

In the last week I have been inundated by obviously fraudulent emails explaining how I just won a lottery I never signed up for and never heard of. It's amazing to me that anyone would fall for this stuff, but they do. Of course, people are stupid and greedy and can be easily duped into giving up their life savings for the promise of winning something like the Canadian Lottery.

AWARD WINNING
ZEEMAN PROMOTIONAL CO-ORDINATOR,
AMSTERDAM THE NETHERLANDS
BATCH NUMBER:638901765-ANL/05
OUR REF:05/AMSTEL0020205/EU
YOURREF:EMAIL505/EU05

ATTN:LOTTERY WINNER,

NOTIFICATION:FINAL NOTICE

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Zeeman Lottery programs held on May 2,2005 Your e-mail address was attached to one of the ten winning ticket numbers 9520714 with game Number 28802519.. You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of ?150,000.00 (One Hundred and Fifty Thousand euro)

CONGRATULATIONS!!

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system from our sponsors databases, including over 50,000 companies and 150,000 individual E-mail addresses and names submitted by our agents drawn from Asia, Africa,Europe,North And South America, Oceania and around the world.To file for your urgent claim, please contact our approved agent for your region.

Morgan Marco.
Zeeman Lottery Agency
Nieuwe Steen 5
1625 HV HOORN
Amsterdam The Netherland
Tel:+31-619-056-199
Fax:+31-84-752-0269
E-Mail:ZeemanLottery@netscape.net

It is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and to minimize identification difficulties to advise you to keep this information confidential until your claim is processed successfully and to avoid unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants to please note that you will be required to pay for the issuance of your winning certificate and all winnings must be claimed not later than 9th May,2005.After this date all unclaimed winnings will be null and void. In Order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore, should there be anychange of address do inform our agents
as soon as possible.Congratulations once more and thank you for being part of our promotional program.
Note:Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically
disqualified.

Yours faithfully,
Mellor Dale.

Want to get some action on the conclave? Just head over to paddypower.com, check out the odds, the candidates, fill yourself in on the process and the history of papal elections.

Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria is the front runner, but I suspect this is mostly wishful thinking. As cool as it would be to have an African or Latin American pope, I suspect when the voting is all done, we'll find a return to traditional Western European, if not Italian, pontiff.

As a Jewish atheist, I shouldn't find this all that interesting, but I can't help but be fascinated. The papacy is such a huge part of our world culture. There's even a genre of fiction devoted to the topic. The secrecy, the pomp and circumstance, the rituals of burning the ballots, the visuals of crimson robed cardinals congregating beneath Michaelangelo's Last Judgment. It's all so intriguing.

There have been several votes so far and only plumes of black smoke have arisen from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel to signify a lack of consensus on a new pontiff. Eventually the Papal Interregnum will end and we can get on with our lives, but in the meantime, the world waits as a few old men chose a new leader and decide on the future path of the Catholic church.

Here are the odds for you punters who are thinking of placing a bet or putting together an office pool.

Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits

WASHINGTON, DC - A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips life's benefits for many Americans.

"This is sobering news," said study director Jack Farness. "For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living."

To arrive at their conclusions, study directors first identified the average yearly costs and benefits of life. Tangible benefits such as median income ($43,000) were weighed against such tangible costs as home-ownership ($18,000). Next, scientists assigned a financial value to intangibles such as finding inner peace ($15,000), establishing emotional closeness with family members ($3,000), and brief moments of joy ($5 each). Taken together, the study results indicate that "it is unwise to go on living."

[MORE]

Gawd, how I love The Onion. It makes life worth living. So sweet is irony.

Growing up in the Culture of Life astinance only education dominated America has its drawbacks, but one website offers alternatives for teenagers: Techinal Virgin.com

We know that today's teens are faced with difficult choices more than ever before. The spectre of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted teen pregnancy looms large in the social lives of all modern adolescents.

Teenagers today need new choices that reflect the reality of their complex lives. Abstinence is often preached by the self-righteous right-wing pundits, but that's simply not a realistic approach to teen sexuality. To hear the fundamentalist right, you'd think even masturbation would lead to the end of civilization.

But there is a way for youths to enjoy rich and satisfying sexual intimacy without risking unwanted pregnancy - ANAL SEX! The anus, tighter than any vagina and tinged with the thrill of the taboo, is the perfect venue for modern teen lust.

Ok, so it's satire, but it's spot on and really well done. You have to watch the public service announcements. If they don't make you laugh out, there's something seriously wrong with you.

This guy has some serious balls and this woman is completely fucking nuts.

If you don't love Tom Tomorrow's This Modern World, you've either never heard of him, you have no sense of humor, or you're a conservative (probably the latter).

His latest effort rips into the President Bush's propoganda machine(here, too). I've blogged about this issue here and here, but nothing I could ever write could match the impact of a Tom Tomorrow This Modern World comic.

Ok, so it maybe it was the vodka tonics talking, but a few of us were pouring over the Urban Dictionary late (and I mean really late) on Saturday night, and I laughing so hard I almost coughed up some internal organs. Here's some of the choice/best/craziest we found.

perpetrate
conversate
badonkadonk
fo' shizzle

If you're offended by this, please, get yourself a sense of humor and stop perpetrating like this shit ain't funny.

Lauren, one of the two people who are the driving force behind the ski lease, told this joke on Friday night. It killed all conversation dead.

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick.

I want to believe that she didn't realize that she was speaking out loud. However, there were about 15 people around listening to her when she said this "joke". Does it make it worse that she brings her yappy Daschund to the house every weekend?

I'm always curious about credits cards and security, especially these days when it's so easy to use a credit card without any ID. I'm not overly concerned about because the credit card companies take all the risk. They must have found some balance between ease of use and fraud that makes them happy, so why should I care?

Anyway, for years now you've been able to swipe a credit card at a gas station and pump gas without any ID. Nowadays, more and more retail outlets have a swipe/signature computer so the salesperson doesn't even have to see the signature. It's a total joke for security, but if more people are using credit cards, then the Visa and MasterCard people are probably thrilled.

Ever since these things were introduced, I screwed around with my signature, scrawling little happy faces or making my signature completely illegible, just for fun, but this guy has taken it to a whole new level. Read through it. It's funny as hell. Just a warning, you might want to have an empty stomach when you read his Super Size Me-esque Olestra experiment.

Feeling hungry? Then you have to check out this commercial for the latest in McDonald's offering in Israel, the McSwarma. The commercial plays on the famous MCD conversation between Vincent and Jules in Pulp Fiction (who can forget Royale with Cheese?).

Okay, so it's a spoof, but the characters look good enough that the first impression is that it's actually Travolta and Jackson. The kidnapping humor at the end is a little questionable, but funny.

Go Get Yourself a McSwarma!

Don't eat yellow snow.

Cat log, day 752 and counting...

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

I found this in an old email when I was hunting down internet jokes to send my cousin Michelle in Israel who's been stricken with cancer. If you have any good jokes lying around, please send them to her c/o her friend Abby at Kibbutz Ketura. Abby's email is aies11-abby [at] ketura.ardom.co.il. Thanks. I appreciate it and so will she.

Lawrence O'Donnell, the moderate Democratic commentator, was on Scarborough Country with Swift Boat front man and long time Kerry adversary John O'Neill and just comlpetely slammed him.

You can see the video on the Daily Recycler, but what's more interesting is to read through the 200+ comments from the readers, most of whom are conservative. There's some quality stuff in there. The vitriol is heavy on both sides.

It doesn't matter what the story is or what the facts are, partisans on either side are quick to back whatever version of whatever story is being pumped that day that supports their view. I'm definitely guilty of this myself sometimes, but at least I make an effort to absorb as much media from all sides as possible in order to make an informed decision.

From the "Late Show with David Letterman", via the Associated Press:

Top Ten President Bush Explanations For The Bulge In His Jacket

10. "It's connected to an earpiece so Cheney can feed me answers -- crap, I wasn't supposed to say that!"

9. "It's a device that shocks me every time I mispronounce a word."

8. "Just a bunch of intelligence memos I haven't gotten around to reading yet."

7. "Mmm, delicious Muenster cheese."

6. "John Kerry initially voted for the bulge in my jacket, then voted against it."

5. "I'll tell you exactly what it is -- it's a clear sign this economy is moving again."

4. "Halliburton is drilling my back for oil."

3. "Oh, like you've never cheated in a presidential debate!"

2. "Accidentally took some of Governer Schwarzenegger's (ste)'roids."

1. "If Kerry's gonna look like a horse, then I'm gonna look like a camel."

2004 Election Guide

There's one thing that fans of Harry Shearer can all agree on. He's wickedly funny. For those who love his work on The Simpsons and in movies like This is Spinal Tap might not even know that he does a weekly radio show. But, I'm here to tell you, he does.

Le Show is a variety program on NPR affiliate KCRW-FM in Santa Monica where Shearer satirizes everything from Johnnie Cochrane to George Bush and anything in between. You can download old shows on the site which is how I'm spending my morning, productively, I might add.

Presidential Knockout

TT cuts through the BS like a hot knife through, well, BS. You can check out his blog at www.thismodernworld.com. You have to take a look at this entry about the current president's rugby adventures at Yale.

It's Friday and a time for a good laugh courtesy of the guy who hired me back at Electronic Arts. Ok, so this might not make you laugh out loud (then again, maybe it will), but it will surely put a smile on your face.

http://www.stimulus.com/home/format.mov

(thanks, Mark)

This is what happens when geek (and probably Jewish) engineering students at places like Cal Tech and MIT have too much time on their hands. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

This list is for my gentile friends who would like to know more about the subtle distinction between Christian and Jewish holiday celebrations. This list comes from my friend and former colleague in Samoa, Deb Miesing.

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing.

Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend
asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't
look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a
donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher,
or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other
Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same
theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos.
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas.
No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous
electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy
crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and
dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.
Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for
latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight
nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.
The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our
history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.
Jews think, Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant,
you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d.
Here's the number of my shrink."

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday.
It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur?
Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve
yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest,
confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 per person.

Happy Hannukah to all and to all a good night.

You might not be aware of this (I myself wasn't until recently), but yesterday was the Harmonic Concordance. Harmonic Concordance? Yes, the Harmonic Concordance.

Remember the Harmonic Convergance? Recall that moment of spiritual awakening? Just in case you missed it, here's a blurb I cobbled together from the web:

Harmonic Convergence
The great Harmonic Convergence of August 16, 1987 was the first astrology-based global celebration of our era. "Harmonic Convergence" describes the coming together of a group of energies to create a common tone. According to Mayan prophesy, the Harmonic Convergence initiated a 25-year cycle of transition that will conclude when we enter the Fifth World on December 21, 2012.

The period in history was defined as: "the point at which the counter-spin of history finally comes to a momentary halt, and the still imperceptible spin of post-history commences." It was the fulfillment of the prophecy of Quetzalcoatl, known as the Thirteen Heavens and Nine Hells. The prophecy stated that following the ninth hell, humanity would know and experience an unprecedented New Age of Peace. The Hell cycle ended on August 16, 1987; the Harmonic Convergence began on August 17. Thus began the projected twenty-five year culmination of the 5,125 year Great Cycle of History, as well as the 26,000-year cycle of evolution, both slated to end in 2012.

Now, according to the website HarmonicConvergence.com, like its spiritual ancestor, the Harmonic Convergence of 1987, the Harmonic Concordance of 2003 also is a call to the Spirit of Humankind to awaken to the idea that we are, in fact, Spiritual beings sharing a physical experience.

So there were celebrations by like-minded people (or whackos, if you're not feeling so generous) all over the world to bring in the Harmonic Convergance. My mom was threatenting to drag me to one of them here in Sedona, but she was exhausted from our hike and decided to crash in front of the idiot box instead.

I did see a good part of the lunar eclipse last night which was really cool. As for spiritual awakening and the end of the world as we know it, well, the jury is still out.

Check out these "cloven" hoof shoes. They are the Air Rift running shoes from Nike. Jesus Christ, who would wear these things? At least they're not tacky. I wonder if they come in gold...

Tip of the hat to Rachel from Notes from a broad

Students Expelled For Making Sex Video

This wouldn't a news story of any particular interest to me, however, the students who made the sex tape, and were subsequently expelled, were from Stephen S. Wise Temple's Milken High School in LA. I attended Stephen S. Wise from the 2nd to the 6th grade. I have a brother and sister who are there now. A cousin recently graduated from Milken and I once dated a librarian from Milken (look out for those quiet ones). So there are some serious connections there.

I don't know how to feel about this whole thing. On the one hand, I'm sure there was some exploitive element to this sordid tale. On the hand, these kids are probably having more fun than you or I had in high school. Also since Stephen S. Wise is mere minutes away from Studio City, North Hollywood Sherman Oaks, the porn production hub of the world, the kids who made this little film probably have jobs waiting for them when they turn 18.

The White House, USA

GEORGE W. BUSH

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I attacked and took over two countries.
I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.
I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not
easy!).
I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in
any
12 month period.
I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock
market.
I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal
record.
In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on
vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I
did).
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided
over
the worst security failure in US history.
I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president
in
US history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their
job.
I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any
other
president in US history.
I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a
12-month
period.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than
any
president in US history.
I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president,
since
the advent of TV.
I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than
any
other US president in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to
intervene when corruption was revealed.
I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
take
to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record
for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US
history.
I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in
US
history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US
history.
(The poorest multimillionaire Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker
named after her).
I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the
Union
simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.
I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market
in
any country in the history of the world.
I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and
military
occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the
United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.
I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the
history of the United States, called the "Bureau of Homeland
Security"(only one letter away from BS).
I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases,
more than any other president in US history (Ronnie was tough to beat,
but
I did it!!).

I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations
remove
the US from the Human Rights Commission.
I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations
remove
the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.
I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of
congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US
history.
I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by
default
no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations
election
inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.
I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate
campaign
donations.
The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my
best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy
frauds
in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US
history.
I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack
(and then lied,saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.
I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11,and in less than a
year
made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the
biggest
diplomatic failure in US and world history).
I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people
of
Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace
and
stability.
I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government
contracts.
I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees
who
violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations
bidding for gov't contracts.
I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any
other president in US history.
In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in
decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the
Civil
War.
I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less
than
two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas
driving
record has been erased and is not available).
I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during
time
of war.
I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug
use.
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away
to
my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or
bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on
the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP)attended regarding
public
energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PERSONAL REFERENCES:

For personal references, please speak to my dad or Uncle James Baker
(They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they
are
helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq war and plan for the
next
one).

(Note: this information should be useful to voters in the 2004
election.
Circulate to as many citizens you think would be helped to be reminded
about his record.)

The White House, USA

GEORGE W. BUSH

Comedian apologizes to Ashcroft for "imprudent attempt at satire"

AUGUST 20--Comedian Al Franken last month wrote an apology letter to Attorney General John Ashcroft, admitting that he was not truthful when he previously sought Ashcroft's views on abstinence.

Read more from the Smoking Gun

Stop by the The Dullest Blog in the World if you want laugh out loud. It could be that my threshold for humor has slipped during my ten months on Samoa, but this is damn funny...

I got another one of those Nigerian scam emails this week. This one is fascinating. Apparently one of my relatives living in Nigeria, a man by the name of Allan Hecht was killed in car crash (I didn't know I had family in Africa!!!).

Mr. Hecht left a sizeable fortune, over 10 million bucks and his scrupulous lawyer, incongruously named Mr. Abba Naaabba, esq., has scoured the world to contact me about my share of the inheritance.

I love this story, for the obvious reasons.

This Cat Burglar Is Really a Cat SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - A cat burglar's booty is being hoarded in a Ventura County home.

A marauding feline named Midnight — now dubbed Klepto Cat — has been sneaking off in the dark to raid neighbors' homes, garages, sheds and patios, bringing home shoes, hats, shirts, socks and even a wrapped Christmas present.

It's stressful for pet owners Richard and Sue Boyd.

"We get so embarrassed by this," Sue Boyd said. "We wake up in the morning and go out and there's stuff under the truck. The cat leaves things all over. We don't want these things."

"He's a klepto cat," her husband said.

Each day, Midnight's owners leave a bag with the purloined goods hanging from their mailbox so neighbors can reclaim missing items.

It is unclear why Midnight prefers wearables.

Gary Sampson, an Indianapolis-based veterinarian who specializes in cat behavior, said the 13-year-old cat is probably drawn to body odors.

"He's obviously a hunter," Sampson said. "He's doing this at night. This is when they can get prey. It's just an extension of that."

Police Sgt. Paul Fitzpatrick said there isn't anything the police could do about Midnight's crimes, except refer the complaint to animal control.

I can only wonder what stuff my cats would come home with if they started stealing from my neighbors.

The email below was forwared to me by a good friend of mine who went to Yale where he met no shortage of whackos, oddballs and misfits masquerading as America's finest young intellectuals and scholars.

I can't decide whether this email is sad or frightening. Whatever it is, it's seriously funny.

There's definately a padded room somewhere on the eastern seaboard reserved for this guy.

"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white ... Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently."

This was the winning entry in this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a parody honoring the writer of the worst beginning to an imaginary novel.

The writer was Mariann Simms of Wetumpka, Alabama.

Are you one of those people that spend long hours outdoors?
Do you ever wish pesky mosquitoes would just leave you alone?
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to eliminate mosquitoes from biting you? Now you can with
the Sunbeam Personal Mosquito Repeller!

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included! SAVE $6.00 and get six (6) for just $19.98.
Click to order now or read below for more info:
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THE SAFE WAY TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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produces powerful ultrasonic signals up to 25 sq ft that
chase out unwelcome pests. Conveniently clips to clothing,
backpacks or even your key ring and is CHEMICAL FREE.

And the Sunbeam Personal Mosquito Repeller is Light! 1.5
ounces in fact. Great for ALL outdoor activities. This is
the PERFECT alternative to messy creams, stinky lotions and
sprays. You'll never have to worry about mosquito bites again!
Now you can order a set of 3 Personal Mosquito Repellers for
only $12.99. BATTERIES ARE INCLUDED! Visit:
http://6018.clk.e-i1.com/clk/1zexz1Kf1HKXpcC3zoaCtY5oUIs

AH-AH-AH-Bullshit!!!!

1) Go to Google
2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction"
3) Hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button
4) Read results of search

If you don't laugh at this you're either a Republican or you have no sense of humor or both.

UPDATE: The "i'm feeling lucky" search has changed. If you want to see the page, go here:

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

National Blonde Day is sponsored by the Blonde Legal Defense Club whose mission it is "to stop the widespread belief that blondes are dumb and incapable." Now, who would think something horrible like that? The mission continues to say that are committed "to make sure hair color isn't a factor in work or social environments." If that isn't a noble cause, I don't know what is.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

To celebrate the event, the hair-care experts at Vidal Sassoon salons across North America will be giving free "Flash of Blonde" hair color treatments. Also, in keeping with this year's NBD theme ("Makeover America"), Sephora will be doing makeovers with stila cosmetics' Legally Blonde 2-inspired color palettes, and O.P.I. will offer manicures with their Legally Blonde 2-inspired polishes. People are going to look completely fabulous!

No doubt.

Despite appearances to the contrary, this is completely serious (well, at least he part about the makeovers, anyway. This isn't really serious.). Why National Blonde Day hasn't taken off in Samoa is a complete mystery to me.

For a bit of fun, head on over to to #1 Blonde Jokes

Got nothing to do? Check out the "The Oracle of Starbucks" at http://www.buttafly.com/starbucks/index.php.

I don't think the oracle ever has anything good to say. It seems to suggests that if you frequent Starbucks, you're either, lame, clueless or an asshat, whatever that it is.

Here is the wisdom from the Oracle if your drink of choice is a venti latte

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Ass-clown

You tell people that you're an executive at your company. You think that your repeated references to being "addicted" to caffeine make you seem intriguing and dangerous. People think you're a sucker because you spend 60% of your annual income at Starbucks. Everyone who drinks latte venti ends up addicted to crack.

Also drinks: Zima
Can also be found at: Karaoke bars

This is just too funny not to share.

This morning I got a response from the mysterious Dr. Fibu of the Nigerian money scam. It's really wonderful what you can do when you have full access to your own email account. Here's what Dr. Fibu has to say for himself:

Date: Fri, 30 May 2003 05:17:13 -0700 From: "fibu martin" <martin_dr@37.com> To: hechtic1@yahoo.com Subject: Urgent Dear Amos (this is my pen name),

I really appreciate your responce to my proposal. As you know this business involves so much money so i will need you to provide me with your telephone number in other for us to have a good business relationship.

In doing this, I will be able to give you a call and explian more about the
transaction to you.

Regards
Dr fibu.

It tickles me how such an massive financial transaction is being handled by a guy who can't even capitalize his I's let alone his name. It's incredible to me that anybody could fall for this, but many have.

I love getting these requests for money to be sent to Nigeria. The latest one is from some guy named Dr. Fibu representing something called the "Nigerian Federal Government Contract Review Panel."

Dr. Fibu is trying to "raise" money for investments requesting money to buy fishing trawlers and/or to do crude oil exploration in Nigeria. But you don't have to take my word for it, you can read the whole email down below.

This is so transparently a scam, it's hard to believe that people fall for it, but people are still giving money to televangelists, psychic hotlines and all sorts of other scams, so why not this?

You can find information about this scam all over the internet. Here are few links followed by the email itself.

I'm going to write back to Dr. Fibu to see what he has to say.

The East African
Computer Cops
Nigerian Money Scam
The Nigerian "4-1-9" Money Scam
Nigerian Money Scam: what happens when you reply

Here's the email:

LOS ANGELES–Fox executives Monday unveiled their latest reality-TV venture, Appointed By America, a new series in which contestants vie for the top spot in Iraq's post-war government.

"Get ready, America, because you're about to choose the man–or woman–who will lead Iraq into an exciting democratic future," said Fox reality-programming chief Mike Darnell, introducing the show at a press conference. "Will it be Ahmed Chalabi, leader of the exiled Iraqi National Congress? Or General Tommy Franks, commander of the allied forces? Or maybe Roshumba Williams, the Macon, GA, waitress with big dreams and an even bigger voice? Tune in Tuesdays at 9 to see."

Describing the new show as "American Idol meets the reconstruction of Afghanistan," Darnell said Appointed By America will feature contestants squaring off in a variety of challenges, including a democracy quiz, a talent competition, and nation-building activities that will demonstrate their ability to lead a bombed-out, war-ravaged Mideast country.

A panel of celebrity judges will help eliminate two contestants each week, leaving one lucky winner the undisputed leader of Iraq at the end of the season. Viewers can participate by casting phone-in votes, although Darnell noted that voting is restricted to calls originating from within the continental U.S.

U.S. General Jay Garner (Ret.) will host the show under the auspices of the Pentagon. The three celebrity judges, Darnell said, will be choreographer and former Chrysalis recording artist Toni Basil, internationally renowned hairstylist Vidal Sassoon, and television star Kevin Sorbo.

"They really get into it," Darnell said. "Just wait until you see the fur fly between Sassoon and Basil."

Fox entertainment president Gail Berman said the network was inspired to create the show after witnessing its news division's ratings success over the past few months.

"Fox did such huge numbers with its war coverage, we figured, 'Why not find a way to keep this good thing going?'" Berman said. "I'm confident that our loyal Fox News viewers will find that reconstruction can be just as thrilling as destruction."

The first episode has already been taped in front of a live studio audience, though results will remain classified until airtime. The winner of Appointed By America will be sworn in as president of Iraq on June 24 in a gala two-hour season finale broadcast live from Baghdad.

According to Berman, Fox received more than 3,000 applicants for the show during an open casting call. While most of the hopefuls were American or Iraqi, some 600 aspiring rulers from more than 100 nations auditioned for the coveted 20 finalist spots. Contestants included a San Diego interior decorator, a Philadelphia inner-city schoolteacher, and a peshmerga fighter from the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan.

Contestant Kymbyrley Lake, a cashier from Garland, TX, said she has a "good feeling" about her chances.

"I just really believe I am going to win this show," Lake said. "I feel it in my heart that Jesus is going to grant me the chance to help all these people. Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of doing something to help bring about a more peaceful world."

Lake just might get her chance. Inside sources say she was among the top five vote-getters in the first episode, with Kurdistan Democratic Party official Fawzi Hariri and pre-Saddam Iraqi minister Adnan al-Pachachi–both early odds-on favorites–scoring low points for stage presence.

At a Pentagon briefing Monday, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz gave his blessing to Appointed By America.

"It is great that Fox will play a vital role in post-war Iraq," Wolfowitz said. "Heck, we didn't really know what we were going to do."

I love The Onion. I really, really do.

Here's a little piece of fun I came across on the net today. It's a flash parody of Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" featuring America's favorite dictator, Saddam Hussein.

http://www.toccionline.com/creations/realhussein/index.html

If you don't want to download the flash piece, you can just read the full lyrics here.